Angry rant mode: ACTIVATED

So as another St. Patrick’s Day creeps on us Im reminded of the fact that I HATE St. Patricks Day. Why would I hate a day that gives an excuse to get drunk on a Saturday and hang out with my friends? Heres why: the Irish. Well not the actual “Irish” so much as the pseudo-Irish. Im sure most of you people (both of you reading this) have seen those stupid pins people wear while drinking their Guinness (AKA motor oil in a glass) which say “Kiss me Im Irish”. Well 99.489% of people who wear those buttons usually take it a little too far because their conversations go like this:

[Drunk Guy with “Kiss me Im Irish pin”]: Hey baby, Im drunk and have this pin which suggests you kiss me because Im Irish.

[Drunk Girl who is probably a stank whore]: Ohh are you really Irish because your pin seems to indicate that you are.

[Drunk Guy with a look of deep contemplation on his face]: Yeah, I am. Im totally from Irishland. My uhhhh….ancestors came from there and stuff and Im like almost sure that I’ve uhhhh… seen pictures of an Irish guy once.

[Drunk Girl who has no ability to detect total bullshit]: Wow, that’s so cool! You are so totally ethnic. Want to bang my brains out?

In reality the retards in the above conversation couldn’t find Ireland if you gave them a color by numbers map of Europe. This is where my problem lies. Why is it so cool to be Irish that people would make up completely bullshit heritages that they have no legitimate claims to? People seem to think being descended from the immigrants from Ireland is so uber-cool. Why you might ask? Im pretty sure there is no good reason for it but what the hell here goes a few theories on why people jock those limey bastards so much.

First is the drinking thing. Irish people are regarded world wide as “hardcore drinkers”. This is great for the dumb ass frat guy who wants to boost his ego by coming from a long line of “holy crap I get drunk every night” kind of people. In reality the Irish do NOT consume the most beer per capita, that honor goes to Germany with 110 liters of beer consumed per person per year. They also do NOT lead the world in per capita hard liquor consumed per year, that honor goes to those crazy vodka drinking Russians, followed closely by the US. So as far as the Irish being the biggest drinkers on the planet it has been concluded as: TOTAL BULLSHIT. All the Irish are is people who cant hold their liquor as good as Germans, Russians, or Americans.

Second is the actual St. Patricks Day event. Most people think by being associated with the Irish it will make them “cooler” at the local SPD gathering. They will suddenly get surrounded by people who will heap praise on them for being “a real Irish” and raise them to the level of demi-god for the day. Well that’s crap. Saying your Irish just to try and be cool on SPD is like trying to say you’re a Scientologist so you can get into the Tom Cruise fan club. Who is responsible for this shear idiocy usually? Well from my observations its drunken college students. Oddly enough its not always guys. Ive met many many drunk chicks who try to pull this stupid bullshit. Let it go people.

If you ever ask someone how they’re Irish you will usually get some good answers. By good answers I mean idiotic bullshit. So the two most popular answers are usually this:

1. I don’t know. I just know Im Irish.

2. Well my dad’s-brothers-wife’s-cousins-mother in law’s-hairdresser’s-college roommate saw Ireland one time while flying to Amsterdam to score some top dope which I figure makes me at least 33% Irish.

As you can plainly tell both of these answers in no way prove anyone is freaking Irish. I think what the problem has become is that Irish is one of those “default” heritages for people who don’t know where the hell they came from. Most people probably have no idea what their ancestry is so they randomly pick countries or races, which they think is cool, and mix and match a family tree for themselves. Since the Irish have their own holiday, which involves drinking, I can see why they would be the most popular. The second most popular, which brings me to my next ranting point, is Native Americans. Ask any person who claims to be Irish on SPD what their heritage is and you get the following form answer:

Im Irish and Native American and (Insert 3rd random country here).

Apparently Irish people loved screwing the shit out of Indians because every drunk retard at a bar in mid-March is descended from the unholy union of Limey potato eaters and Pocahontas. I just don’t get it. If all the NA’s were rounded up and herded off to reservations how the hell are so many damn people related to them? Is there a secret government program to inject the DNA of NA’s into the population so dumbasses can have something to brag about? Most of the people who claim to be “25% Native American” are whiter then the underside of my ball sack.

Im going to make a movement to get people to claim other countries you don’t often hear about yet kick way more ass then the Irish or Native Americans. Heres a partial list for you people who want to put together a fake family tree.

Mongolians: Which people have controlled the largest empire to ever span the earth? Romans? Alexander the Great? Persians? No you morons it was the Mongolians. They ruled from China to eastern Europe and they did so for a long time. They were some of the biggest ass kickers to grace the face of this planet.

Germans: Few countries can ever claim to have started two world wars. Yes they were the bad guys but bad guys tend to be freaking tough guys. Not to mention the hordes which dismantled the Roman empire were German. Who stared down the Russians during the cold war knowing World War III would be fought in its own back yard…yup it was the Germans. So have another bratwurst and chug down that beer because its uber cool to be from Deutchland (that’s German for “Germany”).

Ukrainian: Russia is a big place and if you ask Russians who they are think are ass kickers and you usually get one answer: Ukrainians. Why? Because they control large parts of the vast Russian mafia. Many of the most feared KGB agents during the USSR days were Ukrainian. These guys just don’t give a shit, they’ll beat your brains in just for the hell of it and then drink vodka as you lie there in a bloody pile.

So in conclusion you’re not Irish, you can’t drink, and you suck because you’re not German. Enjoy St. Patrick’s Day you bloody wankers.