Christmas ROCKS!!!

I have always been a big fan of Christmas. I love everything from the mall crowds, to the cold weather and the huge meal with the family. Now I know what your probably thinking; "Gordon, as an agnostic Secular Humanist how can you believe in Christmas?" Well Im here to tell you why. So strap in tight geeks and leave your bibles at the door because not a single one of these has anything to do with a screaming, crying, diaper messing (yeah Im pretty sure Jesus shit himself as a newborn), pseudo-mesiah which has this whole planet twisted like a pretzel.

Christmas is an economic machine: So your at the mall when you decide to buy your skank girlfriend of yours that fancy gift she always wanted. Did you just display a great piece of holiday cheer? Well maybe, but I dont really care. Why? Because to me what you did is help drive up the profit of that company which in turn drives up the economy which then inflates my rather well invested 401(K). Every dollar you spend during Christmas is money in MY pocket when its time for me to retire. So spend away you tools of my financial salvation; spend, spend, spend!!!!

Christmas brings down crime rates: Yup, around the holidays violent crimes go down. Murders, rapes and assualts go straight down. Of course crimes against business's go up but that doesnt really bother me because Im not the guy behind the counter. If I have to worry less about some dope fiend cramming a .45 in my face and trying to grab my wallet, well that alright by me.

I love ph4t l3wtZ: Yeah not all my motives are altruistic. I love getting new stuff. New toys, electronics, money, gift cards, clothes, socks (yes I love getting socks), naked pictures of your mom; its all good for me! One thing my parents always got me for Christmas growing up was a magazine subscription. I loved that gift because it kept giving all year round.

Christmas = paid time to NOT work: Let me say the person who thought up PAID days off is perhaps one of my greatest heroes. I get to spend Christmas sitting around, drinking beer, watching football and cramming my face full of food AND I get paid for it. Its almost enough to bring a tear to my eye.

Its a great time to people watch: I love people watching and nothing is better then Christmas time. That fat lady whos kid keeps eating his boogers; priceless. The bratty little girl whos kicking and screaming because Santa isnt coming fast enough; just plain funny. Your aunt who spiked the eggnog and is now passed out in the front yard; doesnt get any better then that.

Remember boys and girls, Christmas is a great time to hang out with friends and family and have a good time. Unless of course your homeless, in which case life probably sucks right now because its cold outside.